Addiction
by Kaytrina
Summary: Addictions are a form of escape. It's just too bad that you become dependant.
1. Default Chapter

Anything can become an addiction.

Anything that numbs you, lets you forget who and where you are, changes your world for a time, can become the one thing that gets you through life.

Fuu was addicted. Not to food, since it's pretty hard to be addicted to something you never have. Not to gambling either; she was too good at it, and when you win all the time, gambling kind of loses the excitement element. Not alcohol; one cup of sake could lay her flat on her ass.

No. Fuu was addicted to something infinitely more dangerous, something that could break a person in more ways than one.

Fuu was addicted to Mugen.

She was addicted for the usual reasons – thrill, adrenaline, a few moments of bliss. He made her dizzy. She didn't love him, though. In fact, sometimes, she hated him. But when he came to her in the night, slid his hands into her kimono, she could forget. He drove away the world with his hard body and callused hands, if only for an hour or so.

And he loved her. Most people wouldn't think so, but Fuu could see it. She saw it in his fury when he fought the thugs that kidnapped her. She saw it in his jealousy whenever she spoke with Jin. She saw it in the hurt in his eyes when she cried Jin's name the first time they fucked.

She tried not to do that, anymore. Sometimes she'd bite through her lip, but it was okay. No need to be any crueler than she had to.

Fuu wondered if he knew her secret, if that slip of the tongue gave her away. It was a big secret, one that would crush him as it had crushed her…was crushing her.

She had held on to hope for the longest time. Maybe, if she was helpful, if she was optimistic, if she was patient, Jin might just open up to her, might just love her with the same heat with which she loved him. Despite his stoicism, his iciness, his apparent apathy to the world, she held on.

Then finally, it happened. Jin's cold mask cracked, and his heart was laid bare for all to see. Only…that mask didn't fall for her. All her hard work and Jin had fallen for an ex-business woman who was already married. Love at first sight, of all things. Damn her. Damn him.

So Fuu had given up, but giving up doesn't mean an ending. The desire is still there, the love, only there's nothing left to hold on to. After the quest, Jin would go back to that woman, and Fuu's heart would truly break.

But for now, she had Mugen, and she would learn to numb herself. She would take Mugen's love and use it to stitch her wounds. Yes, she was using him, maybe sucking the life from him, but she didn't care anymore. His heat, his energy as he fucked her, as he watched her moan with his emotions unshielded in his eyes, these things soothed her. So what if it was killing him, and killing off her heart as well?

It was an addiction. That's what they do.


	2. Second Best

Sometimes, Mugen contemplated killing him. In the night, while he was sleeping maybe. One silent slash of his sword and it would be done. Jin would be gone.

He couldn't, though. He wouldn't. Mugen didn't condone sneak attacks; they were for cowards, for weaklings. If he was to bring Jin down, he'd do it the old fashioned way – face to face and blade to blade. He'd relish the look in Jin's eyes - the shock, the defeat, the flare of knowledge that Mugen had won. And as the samurai drew his last breath, Mugen would take Fuu, would claim her, stake his possession, just so Jin would know that Mugen was best.

So Fuu would know that he was best.

Too bad he was rather fond of the boring old fart. If it wasn't for Fuu, he might even be able to befriend the guy. But jealousy is a tough emotion to overcome. It rots the most gentle of souls, and Mugen was a long way from gentle.

He knew that Fuu loved Jin. He'd always known. A person would have to be blind not to notice. And it was killing him.

Mugen had always lived a free life, taking what he wanted and severing all strings that attempted to hold him down. But what do you do when a string is unbreakable? When you tied that string to yourself, without even realizing? He wanted something that he couldn't have, and for once, he couldn't just take it by force. So why did he still fight for it?

Hope was a cruel thing. Fuu was cruel as well.

She strung him along; he knew that. But why did she do it? Why did she let him touch her, when it was Jin she wanted? And couldn't she see that Mugen loved her? He wasn't a tender man, and he knew no sweet words to whisper in a girl's ear, so he couldn't attempt to tell her. But there were other ways. Mugen went to her often, showed his love for her with touch and taste.

If only she would look at him, look at him like she looked at Jin, then he could prove that his love was just as worthy. He would hold her, like other boys might, be soft with her, if that's what she wanted. But when she looked at him, her eyes were empty, and sometimes, when they were done, when Mugen was still hovering above her, she would cry. So Mugen would climb off and leave, because he knew that was what she wanted.

He supposed that Fuu was just taking what she could get. Mugen never could stand being second fiddle. Second best was still losing. But what choice did he have?

No. He'd go to her again tonight, and try to prove once more that his love was good enough. He'd keep fighting for her, keep trying to bust down her walls. And if, once again, she turned away…well, he'd take what he could get, too.

Second fiddle was better than nothing.


	3. Silence

It was a quiet evening. The twilight was fading into darkness, and the three sat in silence around the glow of a fire. To any onlooker, the scene would seem serene; but take a closer look, and one would understand how silence can be louder than screaming.

Jin finished his meager meal, as his meals always were even when food was plentiful, and rose gracefully to his feet. He set off into the forest in the direction of the river without a word to his companions. One watched his retreat, without even realizing that she was doing it, and the other watched her watch him, seething in the ever-present silence.

"You're always watching him."

Fuu seemed to have forgotten that she was not alone. She snapped her attention away from the forest. "So?"

"So why don't you ever watch me?"

She was getting frustrated with the direction this conversation was taking. "How do you know I don't watch you? Maybe I only watch when you're not looking."

Mugen was staring at her. "I can feel it when your eyes on me. It doesn't happen much."

His stare made her want to squirm. They usually kept silent about this particular subject. It was easier to ignore when it wasn't staring you in the face. "I don't need to watch you. I already know exactly what you're doing – drinking, fucking, or fighting, pick one of the three."

Mugen's frown deepened and his eyes flashed. He reached out and tugged on the ties of her kimono, but she shrugged out of his reach. "No. I don't feel like it tonight."

"Why?"

Fuu huffed in annoyance. "Because you're getting on my nerves! Just leave me alone, okay? Jin could be coming back any minute."

Mugen scowled and pulled his hands away. He rose and retreated to the other side of the fire. The silence was tangible. The calm before the tempest.

Mugen broke.

"He doesn't love you, you know. He'll never love you."

Fuu clenched her teeth. "You don't know anything."

"He's cold and silent and you'll never be good enough for him. He'll turn you away, reject you without hesitation."

Fuu squeezed her eyes shut. "Shut up, Mugen."

"You know he doesn't love you! You know it! He can never love you because you're stupid!"

She jumped up and clasped her hands over her ears. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!"

Mugen jumped to his feet and well and grabbed her by the shoulders. He wanted to shake her, to slap her, to cause her just as much pain as she caused him. But his words, he knew, did enough.

"You're stupid, Fuu! And I'm stupid, too! I'm the one who's here beside you! I'm the one who always goes after you! I fight for you!" The words were flowing like torrential rain, forceful and unstoppable. "You're stupid! You're stupid and I'm stupid, and that makes us the same."

He dropped her and she collapsed, a heap of tears and broken dreams.

"We're the same. He doesn't love you because you're not good enough for him. But he doesn't see what I see. He doesn't see that you're…everything. And that makes you too good for him." Mugen turned his back on her. "I see you, Fuu. You've always been good enough for me."

He left her there beside the fire, shrouded in the silence of the solitary. She found its pureness to be just as oppressive.

So she broke it with the sound of her weeping.


	4. Admission

Mugen slashed the undergrowth of the forest with his sword. The thick vegetation gave way with satisfying snaps and crashes. It didn't make him feel any better, really, but this anger – no, fuck that – this _rage_ had to be transferred to something, anything, or he was certain he would explode. Or kill someone. Maybe a bandit would happen by, one that was stupid enough to trouble a man with fire and a far-from-calm assurance of death in his eyes.

Goddamn her. Goddamn her straight back to the fiery pits of hell from which she crawled. Snotty, stuck-up bitch, thinking she was better than him because she was clean most of the time, and chipper, and liked to go out of her way to help people she didn't even know, which always, _always_, ended up getting her into some kind of mortal peril which _he_ would have to risk his life to get her out of, because Jin never lifted his pristine fingers to help because he didn't give a shit, and Mugen did and…

Fuck, he thought. Because I'm fucking stupid.

Mugen had never troubled himself with girls. Not with their feelings anyway. He never stayed in one place long enough to get attached to anyone; he usually just fucked them and left them, sometimes paying for it, sometimes not needing to. If this had ever upset any of them, he wasn't around to know. Fuu wasn't any different from all those other girls, really. He'd had some who were prettier, or smarter, and definitely a hell-of-a-lot less trouble than she was, and he'd never thought twice about them after. Mugen had seen men who had thrown away everything, lost their damn minds, over a girl, and he had been disgusted; what they did was stupid, girls weren't worth that much trouble, and he was confident that he would never, ever, find himself in that situation. But damn if he didn't go and get all…complicated over the first girl he'd been forced to keep company with.

He wasn't any better than those fools who sat outside in the moonlight, in the mud, serenading some bitch in the window who wouldn't give them the time of day.

And it drove him crazy, fucking crazy, that his one weakness, the one thing he knew, deep down, could drive him to his knees, was a girl.

A girl who was in love with the coldest bastard God ever made perfect with his fucking perfect hands.

Mugen stopped to wipe the sweat out of his eyes. The trees thinned ahead of him, and through the gaps between the trunks he could see the moon reflected on water. He had reached the river. And right there, sitting calmly, as always, by the riverside, probably meditating on some complicated philosophy that Mugen couldn't even pronounce, was Mr. I-Only-Sully-My-Hands-For-The-Most-Righteous-Reasons-And-Never-Sully-My-Dick Jin.

Well wasn't that just fucking perfect?

Mugen stormed through the dry leaves to the edge of the trees, not giving a rip about stealth. Hell, he had made enough noise getting here to alert a deaf man to his presence; he was certain Jin, ever alert and ever fucking watchful, had heard him coming from the moment he started crashing through the undergrowth. Jin gave no outward sign of awareness as Mugen approached and stood directly in front of him.

"Get up, you frosty asshole."

Jin made no move, simply opened his eyes and looked up at the sweaty, disheveled, dirt-covered man in front of him. "Is something troubling you, Mugen?"

Mugen sneered. "No, I'm happy as a goddamn lark. Get up and fight me, and let's settle this right now."

Jin looked him up and down, then closed his eyes again. "If you are referring to our feud, then as much as I would like to, I cannot oblige."

"Scared? Finally realized that you don't stand a chance?"

Jin opened his eyes a fraction and gave Mugen a look of utter contempt. "No, you fool. When that duel takes place, I assure you, you will lose. However, as of now, we are both under a life-debt contract with Fuu, and, as you no doubt remember, one of the stipulations of that contract is that our feud is on hold. Until we fulfill our obligations to her, there will be no fight between you and me."

Mugen gripped his sword tighter in his hands. "This isn't about that goddamn contract and you know it."

"Do I? Please, enlighten me."

Mugen opened his mouth and shut it again. He couldn't…he wouldn't start blabbering about…about…hell no. Jin knew perfectly well what this was about, and Mugen would be damned if he was going to give Jin the satisfaction of hearing him admit defeat. Admit his loss in a contest in which Mugen had fought his hardest, and Jin had won without even playing the game.

"I have no part in your troubles with Fuu."

It was too much hearing his voice say her name, seeing his lips form the word. "Don't say her name, you bastard!" he hissed. But Jin continued.

"I did nothing to encourage her affections. I have remained distant in an attempt to allow her feelings to wither. If this has not worked, it is no fault of mine."

"It _is_ your fault, goddamn it! Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you stay with that woman? You don't even try and she gives her attention to you! If you're here, there's no room for me!"

Mugen wanted to puke. He hadn't meant to say those things. Jin gazed at him, unblinking, and Mugen felt naked, angry and embarrassed and aching, and unable to do anything but stand there like a love-struck fool, staring at his feet.

"I did not leave because I made a promise, and any life with Shino would have been cursed from the start if I broke my word, abandoned my obligation, in order to have it." Jin spoke quietly, no longer looking at the pitiful man standing before him, but off into the distance, no doubt thinking of long dark hair and smiles and fried eel. "What will you do?"

Mugen ran a dirty hand through his unruly hair. That was the question, wasn't it? What could he do? "I…don't know. Leave, I guess. Leave and forget."

"Will you be able to do that?"

Mugen didn't know whether Jin meant leave or forget, and he supposed it didn't really matter which one. "Of course. It won't be any problem. I'm an expert at it."

"It is harder than you think."

Mugen thought of Fuu's face as she screamed at him, as she watched Jin with the most pathetic look on her face, and the rage he'd felt earlier stirred once more. But then he thought of her smiling face, and having her beneath him, and above him, and feeling her heat beneath his fingertips, and never seeing that, never feeling that ever again, and all he felt was cold. "How did you do it?"

Jin smiled, just a little. "I will go back to her, as soon as this task is finished. I have that hope. You have no such comfort."

It was true. If he left now, he was certain he would never see Fuu again. And the thought of Fuu traveling alone with Jin, of being one bodyguard short, of getting in trouble again and having no one fighting tooth and nail to save her, scared him more than he would ever admit, even to himself.

He turned and started to walk. Jin called out behind him.

"Where are you going?"

Mugen sighed and sheathed his sword. "Back to the campsite. Stay here for a while longer, okay?"

Jin nodded as he watched Mugen head back into the woods, and turned back to the water.


End file.
